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I Forgave You

Forgiveness is a never ending process of constantly reminding yourself that you have released a person from any debt that was owed to you. The hurt caused physically or mentally or emotionally or spiritually is not to be returned to sender, but simply diminished and cast away in a sea of forgetfulness. 

I have forgiven him. I will not forget him, but forever remember you have been forgiven just as Christ forgave me. 

Learning to be Okay: Lesson 5

Give us this day our daily bread and help us not to be overfed. Forgive my amending of scripture, but as I look at myself and this small sample of America inhabiting this boat my heart is broken by the destruction of our bodies by gluttony. In the 21st century the modern day Christian has written off gluttony as a sin.  Perhaps because in the South, our social Christian interactions are fueled by butter saturated potlucks with the occasional neglected veggie tray. obesity has become acceptable as a sin. 

We scream, “YOUR BODY IS THE TEMPLE OF THE HOLY SPIRIT (1 Corinthians 6:19)” when we see someone with tattoos and piercings, but silence ourselves when a person goes for the third plate. So, if we are in fact temples is it more wrong to adorn your temple with paintings and jewels on the outside? Or is it in fact better to litter the inside with any garbage we can consume? In Proverbs 23: 1-3 (MSG) it says, “When you go out to dinner with an influential person, mind your manners. Don’t gobble your food, don’t talk with your mouth full. And don’t stuff yourself. BRIDLE YOUR APPETITE. 

Now, allow me to be the first to confess: I am an obese American. Yet, God is granting me grace and is help me eat wise and exercise. It simply breaks my heart to see people killing themselves and parents killing their children. God did not intend for us to live in poor health. 

I am learning to eat wise, exercise, and keep my temple in the best working order possible, and I am okay. 

God, 

Arrest my heart so deeply that it causes the most intense surrender. All I am is nothing without you. Why do you run this race alone. Never have You pushed me away. Never have You rejected me. Never have You even done anything to destroy me. God, You lift my head when is it heavy with the shame and condemnation of my present state. I am a wayward woman. I don’t know what is right in me. God, what could You see in me, but a dejected, bitter, depressed, wanderer. Yet, with your love and compassion You personally lent Your healing hand. When my father’s hand came across my face; my Father was there to block it. How can my heart be hard to You. I fear the unknown, but my trust should lie in You. 

Restore me to the default you intended for Adam and Eve. 

Total Transparency

It would be a lie to say I am completely okay right now God. You know where my heart has been. It has not been with You, but roaming and wandering. You has left the safety of Your presence and has faced brutal beatings. I have allowed my heart to be used and deposed of. I allowed myself to be taken advantage of and I am sorry. I am sorry I forgot how much you loved me and pursued the empty passions of lustful humanity. 

God, I know you love me, but I am so apprehensive to accept your love. Teach me your ways God. Let me see you and know you. 

Learning to be Okay: Lesson 4

You cannot choose who you love. This statement is a lie. Love is a choice. hate is a choice. While love is unexplainable and operates under so many contradictory definitions one thing remains: love is a choice. Whether it is people, interests, or items. I choose what I love, with one one exception. I love Christ and if I love Christ than my love for Him leads to surrender. If I surrender my life to Him I allow him to direct the chasms of love that I have, but even then I STILL have a choice to love. Parent choose to love their children. Husbands choose to love their wives. Friends choose to love each other, but what if I stopped making love a person-to-person option and made in a general standard for my treatment of people? What if I chose to simply just love the conservative African American Christian women, but I loved the liberal atheist white man? What if I stopped placing boundaries and qualifications on who deserves God’s love and just gave it away, because let me be honest I don’t qualify for it. What if rather than spewing the hatred that fuels condemnation we embraced and loved and cared for those who are not just like me. I know I choose not to lobe people. My heart is hard to the rich, white women…but the same way Christ loves the poor and desolate is the same way he loved a a rich greedy tax collector.

Today, I am learning to make love a standard and not and choice, and I am okay.

Learning to be Okay: Lesson 3

Being a contradiction sometimes does not make me a hypocrite; it makes me human. But if it does make me a hypocrite I apologize for all the lies I have told with my life as well as my mouth. The thing is I am currently working on becoming the person that I say I am. I am trying to become whoever God wants me to be, but I struggle sometimes. My heart belongs to Christ; my flesh is of this world; my soul is caught in the middle of a constant battle. There are some days where my flesh overtakes me. I am sorry for those days, but I know for me to live is Christ. While perfection is something I will never attain on earth, my target is not perfection. It is Christ. 

I am learning not to be perfect, but to be be like Christ, and I am okay. 

Learning to be Okay: Lesson 2

Death really never makes me think about life, especially when someone I know passes away. Instead I think about the shortness of time. Nothing keeps me from dying really, yet I live each second as if the next one is guaranteed. I trust God has them all, but still why do I do such pointless crap with my life? Why do I accept the travesties around me and shudder at the opportunity to raise my voice or God’s voice?

This life is so meaningful. It is my journey into eternity, to a place of total acceptance. So why compromise on earth? We will one day know the incomparable heavenly realm. We will know God. We will see God. We with be with God. Rest in the arms of the Saviour Mr. Cole. 

I am learning to accept death and not accept a meaningless life, and I am okay. 


Here is the trail that I am leaving as I walk with Christ.